Thoughts on Loss

I have just miscarried another child. Yes, I know, some of you are rolling your eyes, thinking: "Doesn't she know what birth control is?" and other ideas along those same lines. I don't use birth control methods for various reasons. We have tried NFP (natural family planning) and it has worked out okay in the past, but to be effective, you have to know your body's normal routine. And that's where I miscalculated. But enough about that.
I took a test several weeks back that showed positive. Mixed emotions followed: We had just moved, just bought a house, Faith is only 10 months old.... I wanted more time before trying for any more, IF we decided to have any more children. I love my children, there's nothing I won't do for their best interest. And I would love to have a houseful, if that's what God wants for our family. I struggled for a few days with His timing.
Then I went through the excitement of another little one in my tummy. The joy of watching "me" grow, waiting to feel the movements, picking out names, looking forward to the thrills a baby brings to our home. For 5 weeks I tossed the ideas back and forth in my head; crying one day, smiling the next. I wanted to take another test to be sure before scheduling a doctor's appointment, since I couldn't quite determine how far along I really was.
But on Memorial Day weekend, I began to miscarry. Nothing major, I thought... I've been through this before. Given a couple of weeks' time and I'll be better and things will be back to normal. Day 2 of my miscarriage, I began to feel faint. Just before heading to bed, I felt my head start to spin and my vision blurred. I sat down, then laid down on the kitchen floor to regain strength. When I felt better, I got up and readied for bed.
Two and a half hours later; just after midnight, I woke up to go to the bathroom. When I finished, I headed back to the bed. My vision blurred again, so I stopped against the door jamb to rest my head and steady myself. I remember, thinking - if not saying - Dennis' name, asking for his help. That's the last I recall.
I woke up to a thumping sound and Dennis calling my name. The lights were all on, he was on the phone calling 9-1-1 and I was lying on the floor feeling bruised and sore. I had passed out and fallen to the floor, hitting the wall with my head as I fell. A bucket (sitting ready for when I had felt sick earlier in the day) was knocked over as I had landed against it, bruising my shoulder. The thumping noise was me having a seizure, head bumping the wall with each jerk. This is what alarmed Dennis enough to call emergency, I have never before had a seizure. Oh, don't get me wrong, he offered to call several times through the day, when I was so weak I couldn't get up. My legs ached badly as well, which was concerning me. But I told him, no, I'd be fine. That is, until I couldn't... didn't respond when he called out to me.
EMT came, in the middle of a Saturday night. No sooner had they begun to check my vitals that the ambulance pulled up. We had a crowd of 5 strangers in our bedroom at midnight! They asked me quesions while they checked my blood pressure. The kids were all still asleep (thank goodness!) as I recounted the day's activities and my health over the past pregnancies. I was told to go to the hospital, I needed to see a doctor. So, Dennis woke up the kids and readied them to go while I sat on the bed, confined to my room by men who were determined to keep me there until Dennis could escort me out the door. I felt fine; weak, but fine! They figured I wasn't in a life-threatening situation, but at the same time, I couldn't even grab the diaper bag to make sure we had plenty of diapers and that my identification was all in it! So, I sat and I waited; awkwardly trying to chat about pregnancies and hoping to convince them that I would be a survivor and they would leave my house and let me be. Still, they waited.
We got the kids in the van and I followed suit. The ambulance driver offered to follow us to the nearest hospital. He disappeared in the night just after pulling out of our drive, so we continued on our own till about halfway there. Dennis asked me again if I wanted to go. I said no. "I know what is wrong; we'll sit for who knows how long in the ER waiting to be seen. They'll check my vitals and such again, tell me, yes, I was pregnant and did miscarry. They may keep me for awhile since I am also dehydrated. That's just it! I am dehydrated... I don't want water, I haven't drunk but maybe a glassful of any liquid all day and that is the reason I feel weak and fainted. I just want to go home."
He pulled into a grocery store parking lot, ran in, bought a pack of flavored water and we turned around and headed home. I drank one bottle before getting home and put the rest in the fridge while he settled the kids back into bed. I was asleep within minutes of my head hitting the pillow at 1:30am and I slept until 6am Sunday morning. I felt better, but not well enough to go to church, so we all stayed home. I drank water like it was going out of style, feeling better throughout the day. My legs still ached, but I could tell the worst was over. It was just a matter of recovery.
I sit now, 4 weeks later, and realize, I've lost yet another child. A baby I won't get to name or hold. No knowledge of gender, no idea what life would have been for him or her. Again, I am faced with mixed emotions. I am sad at the loss and yet, relieved that I don't have to make the choices of how to work in baby details once again so soon in our lives. Another treasure has made it into Heaven to wait for me until I get there. Sitting at the feet of Jesus, meeting my other two and so many others who have gone before us. It truly makes Heaven that much sweeter!

It's not about me...

I want to share something with you....

I was directed to this link by a sweet friend with warnings of "grab a tissue or more and plan to spend much time reading, crying and laughing." I didn't realize the extent of her warning! I have read, from beginning to the latest posting, of a precious story, God's amazing grace at work in the life of a wife and mother. Trials she faced and wrote about even in the midst of the storms. Not saying the storms are over; no, she needs prayer for the rough waters she's in now and the time that lies ahead of her. Are we truly thankful? Can we say as Job did, "the Lord gave and the Lord hath taken away, blessed be the name of the Lord." and really mean it?
We all face death in our lives; be it a parent, grandparent, child, sibling, any other relative or a close friend. And it's not easy to deal with. When we know the Lord as our Saviour, He supplies abundant grace and gives a peace that passes ALL understanding. As you read this story, I think you will see His hand in it. "But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold." (Job 23:10)

I think any of you reading my blog know my story and of Bethany Joy. Maybe I'll post my thoughts on it one day. But for now, won't you please go visit the life of Audrey Caroline?

"Waddya doin'?"

I have some things I want to write about and share with you, but for now, here's a quick video I captured of Faith just up from her nap yesterday afternoon. I love this time of day, when I hear her cooing and talking to herself and her toys. She caught a glimpse of me as I rounded the corner to her room and, as you can see, she beamed. Now, had I turned and walked away from her, she would have had quite a coniption fit. She is very vocal and at times (such as in this video) it seems we can make out what she's saying, or at least what it sounds like she is saying. LOL!

Atoka, TN

Atoka, TN: Our new home!



These are pictures of our home before we moved in and started working. We had alot of work ahead of us, but we were up to the challenge. I'll have some pictures of these same areas with the changes coming soon.


First is the master bedroom and bath. Second is the boys' room (yes, it was PURPLE!) with the play room beyond. The next one is the guest (half) bath and the last is our kitchen.





The kids:

Faith is crawling and attempting to stand, will walk with help and her latest achievement: crawling up the stairs. Oh, yeah, time to get a gate! She did very well till she got to the fourth step, then decided it was time to get down. Glad we were behind her to catch her!




Andrew is the fun, mischievous one. He's figuring out how to talk very well; just copy whatever Charis and Matthew say. And he loves to ask: "Can I...?" From "Can I go to the road?" to "Can I throw in the trash?" And once he's told yes (not to the road question!) his response is, "Okay!" and off he goes!

Matthew is sweet and loveable. Just look at him! Of course, all my children are (I think so, anyway!) although they do have a stubborn streak in them. 'Chew's seems to be the worst, but I am hoping it builds toward independence he'll need as an adult. With alot of prayer, he just maybe won't be like his mommy! He'll be 4 in just a matter of days. Wow! how time flies!!


Charis is smart! The little stinker decided she wanted her training wheels off her bike and begged for weeks for us to take them off. I wasn't quite ready yet... with two boys constantly getting scrapes and bruises, I didn't want to add her to the list as they come with learning to ride a 2-wheel bike... or so I thought! She got on a neighbor's bike and, after two attempts, was up and riding around as though she'd been riding for months! Not a scrape one. So, she's on her bike without training wheels and skimming around like a pro!

Dennis and I are same old us. I guess you can classify us in the "old" category. Well, we feel our age on occasion. Those occasions come more often than we want. But we stay busy with our family and life in general. We've joined a good church and are getting involved in areas as the Lord enables us. We have a wonderful pastor and wife and our circle of friends continues to grow. It's also nice to be around and get re-acquainted with old friends, although we miss our friends in Knoxville as well and try to stay in touch. Hi to each of you who read and leave a quick note if you don't mind!